I’m Sorry, and I Love You

I unblocked you on Facebook today. Looked at your pictures. In a way, it still hurts. It will always hurt at least a little bit, in the way that touching the sharp end of a razor too hard can hurt.

You’re married now, and you have a child. In this respect, I am very happy for you. We are all adrift in an endless sea of chaos, trying to figure out what’s best for ourselves. I harbor no ill feelings or intentions against you anymore. I must admit, they did plague me for some time. I’m just hoping somewhere out there in this great big world, you’re happy.

I had some real problems back then, but then, everybody has problems. I still have more than a few. We broke up on bad terms, and for that, I am truly sorry. I was 19 then, placed between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t function after what my dad put me through. He brought up old scars and forced me to hate my own body. You try going through every day hearing someone tell you you’re too fat, you’re not good enough, you’ll never go anywhere in life unless you follow decisions made for you by somebody else. It devalues how you feel about yourself as a person.

It eats me alive when I think about what we could’ve had. In a lot of ways, we had something quite beautiful, even if it was a little flawed. We wanted different things back then. I think ultimately, we still want different things. You want a family, and I couldn’t even begin to see myself as being competent enough to start one.

I cut you out of my life the best I could to stop the hurting. You wronged me several times over, and I wronged you, too. Just know that I don’t harbor bad feelings against you anymore. We will probably never speak to one another; that bridge was burned to the ground long ago. 

Just know that I’m sorry. I’ve learned to be a better person in many respects. I still have a lot to learn. I just want you to be happy.

Sean is a guy from the middle of nowhere in Illinois who passionately supports Free Software, Free Culture, and decentralized communication systems. He serves as the editor of We Distribute, a publication dedicated to the development of the fediverse. In his spare time, Sean is a budding indie game dev, writer, web developer, and a musician.

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